ALIVE

Sitting here in my dorm I am flooded with information. But you know what I just now realized? I'm in college. I thought it hit me a long time ago, but just today I realized that I am free to make up my own mind. To decided between what I believe to be right, and what others believe to be not in their best interest. I don't have to follow exactly what my parents believe, but I can step back and make my own beliefs and speculations based on what I see them do that I think is wrong. I have enjoyed learning from their past mistakes and my brothers past mistakes and every ones past mistakes, because now I have the right mindedness to go out into this world and contribute what I have learned. I used to believe that I wasn't going to contribute greatly in my society, but I realized just today that being ALIVE in Christ and living in this world, THAT is my contribution. I may fail. Correction, I will fail, I will be beaten and I will stumble and fall. But I will not turn back. I'm looking out at my beautiful view of a parking lot, but even though that's not that beautiful, it is. Because I can see the rays of sunshine coming out from the clouds. God is here. He is in me. And he is ALIVE and well. I realized that today. I am here to be ALIVE in him. I love being able to form my own beliefs.

Club 332

Do you know who I am? I am the owner, founder, creator and consumer of Club 332. Yes, me and my three roommates turned Witherspoon Halls average room #332 into a rocking dance party extravaganza. Amazing I know, I have only been at college for 2 weeks and this is what happens! I love it here though! School is amazing and everything is just open to me. It seriously is a whole new world. Now the only problem with Club 332 is that no one knows about it...sooo it's just myself and the roommates dancing alone...which when you think about it.....is kind of creepy.

The Truth of Thought

The start of something so soft and new,
Brings the hope of Futures past.
Rolling lands turned over-capsulated inside minds,
Fresh time, a gift from the clock.
The Jester throws tactless thoughts to common persons,
But to the sound of mind-reflective speeches worth everything.
A quarter now, almost filled--thoughts are not done,
Wafting through the creators being.

Racing right along the coach turns its course,
The stallion directing its own path.
Not even The Great Symphony* could out play the wind,
Composing its own journey to minds uncaptivated.
Bringing forth the very idea that sparks the interest,
The universal Truth** cannot be contained.
Furthermore, the quill moves not at its own pace,
Half has been created--turning mine ear for more.

Forward--flying faster towards the finish,
The taste of the end is so sweet.
Blurred vision is not call for rest nor shelter,
But even vigilant pursuit can be wary.
Uneven roads turn unexpected,
The future prize of the uncontained truth is far superior.
Three-quarters of the way through--
The parchment is worn.

Connected continuity against raging waters,
Flowing down roads up shore.
Words tangled together like webbed structures,
Holding in place the factors of life.
Knowing all, yet knowing the things that matter,
Thoughts flowing through the ink.
The parchment filled to its greatest extent--
When it is all said and done, His light shines through all.

* Symphony No. 9 in C major by Franz Schubert
** Genesis 17:1-27

Canvas

Rolling along as far as the eye can see,
Green, red, orange and yellow,
The color in the scene draws the senses to excitement.

The life of the living is one well lived,
Full and whole the joyful feelings,
Filling the body, mind, and heart.

Turning the corner the dead moss grows,
Showering the ground, they are the veins of the earth,
Sounds waft among the imaginative creator and his canvas.

Color in the sky now, sun shining through,
Bringing an new feeling of the sensations,
The beauty unveiled, the heart of His creation.

The sea of color appears again,
The eyes are drawn to the portion of light,
A window to Paradise has been reviled.

Rays of satisfaction wrap the canvas with warmth,
The portrait has been cast,
The scene is set, the line is crossed,
The picture is taken, the painting is finished,
All is right.

The Grave Dug Over

The blood-dimmed sky lights up the day,
The past is mourned by the rising sun,
The path before mine own foot hath drawn,
Weather good nor bad cannot be known.

The road not taken is one that is too wide,
Mine feet begin to move on their own,
Knowing exactly where they want to go.
Over the mountain, or under the sea,
Wherever and whenever they want to be.

The digging of their graves, pile by pile,
They ponder and smirk and carry on.
The hole is almost dug, their Will be done,
But that’s not the plan that must be won.

The morning sky bought new found hope,
Traveling down this road unknown.
Desiring the obsessions we want the most,
Completely different, we must boast.

The falling blood brings the end of the day
New found color lights the sky to dark,
In the end, the grave is filled,
The plan before has been concealed.

The feet fall back to their rightful place,
Planted on the ground, with firm embrace.

Spring!

Well spring has come! Which means....allergies....sneezing, coughing, itching throat. Stupid. But Bonfires! Warm weather! Cookouts! And ultimate! Oh I love spring, I love it when the cold weather finally goes away and that cool breeze of spring rolls around in the heat of the day. It's honestly amazing stuff. Thank the Lord for SPRING!!!! Oh and I would also like to say: 14 TOTAL DAYS LEFT OF HIGH SCHOOL!!!! that is all.

Frank

I've come to realize that Sinatra; put's me in a great mood. I'm listening to 'My Funny Valentine' and just the emotion that you can clearly hear, places me in his position. I love Frank Sinatra and if anyone disagrees with this next statement. Meet me somewhere. I will cut you! hahahaha I'm just joking. Frank Sinatra is the best vocalist of all time. Hands down.

-Jbell

Here Is My Song For The Day. From Me to You.

"Somewhere over the Rainbow"-Israel Kamakawiwoʻole

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,
And the dreams that you dreamed of,
Once in a lullaby.

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly,
And the dreams that you dreamed of,
Dreams really do come true.

Someday, I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
High above the chimney top,
That's where you'll find me.

Oh, somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly,
And the dreams that you dare to.
Oh why, oh why can't I?

Well, I see trees of green and red roses too,
I'll watch them bloom for me and you.
And I think to myself: What a wonderful world!

Well, I see skies of blue and I see clouds of white,
And the brightness of day.
I like the dark and I think to myself:
What a wonderful world!

The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people passing by.
I see friends shaking hands, saying, 'How do you do?'
They're really saying, ' I...I love you!'

I hear babies cry, and I watch them grow,
They'll learn much more than we'll know.
And I think to myself: What a wonderful world!

Someday, I'll wish upon a star,
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
High above the chimney top,
That's where you'll find me.

Oh, somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
And the dreams that you dare to,
Oh why, oh why can't I?

Segment of My Novel

O.k so in my last blog I said I was writing a novel that I couldn't tell you guy's about. Well now I can. I don't have a title yet but some ideas are being thrown around. The setting is in the 1960's although the technology is highly advanced. And basically it's a collection of journals or memoir's of certain people. Now the whole story is there is a nuclear holocaust the happens right before these peoples eyes and they are the only people who haven't been affected my the fallout. (kind of a cheep story line I know) It gives you a different perspective from many different kinds of people. And somehow (I haven't determined how yet) their paths all cross. So here is one small small segment of the novel that I have wrote. And let me warn you I am sorry about some of the language....I tried to make it as realistic as possible. This character is not a Christan man I can tell you that much! Anyway enjoy! And tell me what you think PLEASE!

"I felt the thick, musty, condensed fog on my face as I stepped out onto the company walkway. June 17, 1963 was the year and the hover-taxi had yet to arrive at the doorstep of my 27 story high rise working establishment of which I have spent the last 23 years, bent over backwards, in my little 4 by 6 cubicle; working for the most tenacious, vicious, of people in the entire world. Jane Folly. Damn Jane. Can't catch a break.
5:56 P.M.
Taxi arrives. I left behind the polluted public air, only to enter in to the smell of cheep fast food, and intoxicating cigarette smoke of the public hover-taxi. As I loosened my tie the fat, dirty old driver attempted to make small talk...I shrugged; gave him a glance and pretended not to hear. Contemplating the day:
'5 AM woke up, went to work at Folly Enterprises. Typed. Drank my usual morning coffee. (cold as usual) was yelled at by that damn Jane (can't catch a break). Lunch break with Jack. Returned to my daily slave box and made some calls. Was bitched at by the dim-witted customer who didn't know what the hell they were talking about. Clocked out. Took the elevator. Walked out onto the company sidewalk of my 27 story high rise. Got into the cigarette filled hover-taxi with this fat old driver.'
Good day. Now it's time to go home to my empty house. We turned the curb. Then without any indication whatsoever. The mushroom cloud appeared."

-Jbell

My Mind Right Now And For The Rest Of The Year.

Houston?

Update?

Life is started to feel well....chaotic....I'm an 18 year old dude going off to college and I'm still confined to the walls of my household stuck with the parentals....it's not that I hate my parents, I'm just 18 and I want to be with the people I chill with. I'm never going to see most of them again and I want to chill with the people who influenced me the most. But anyway that's just the rantings of an upset teen. On to more subordinate topics. I'm getting lazy. Senioritis? No. Just laziness! I can see the end, taste it; but yet I'm so far away from it. I desire to be there but sadly I am not. And I'm getting lazy. It's not showing in my grades but I still can feel it. My work is not my best and I'm procrastinating really really badly....and that is not good. But anyway life is just moving at the speed of a turtle and college is around the corner! My daily routine consists of going to school, working, loving my girlfriend to the best of my ability, with all of my heart, and worrying about the future. So yeah, just thought I would give the world and update on my life. I'm striving towards the future. And can see the finish line, but am not quite there yet. Please please please pray for my laziness! Please!!! God Bless! Oh and by the way I've started writing a novel! Well two actually, one is something that my parents and I have inspired: "What not to talk about at family dinner" title sucks but it gets the point across. And the other doesn't have a title right now but I'll release more details when the outline is drawn up. Ideas are a rumbling in my mind and I have to get them on paper! If you have any ideas in the future about titles for these please comment and let me know! Thank you and God Bless!

-Jbell

Trapped Death

Boxes and boxes one, two, three,
Caged in can only see,
the outside of this fence that surrounds me.

Thoughts of life, of joy and glee,
Are all thoughts that cannot belong to me,
Trapped by this cold firm grip to be.

No freedom nor choice will I ever see,
To decide the facts that only I can be,
Growing so fast, sprout up like a tree,

My mind is falling, drowning in the sea.
I have no reason to stay here with thee,
So I must leave to look out for me.

To my love my wife to be:
Don't you ever forget of me,
Remember the good times and the time of glee.

Tell the story of you and me,
How we met and came to be,
Living in the city by the sea.

Look to the sky if you ever need me,
or down below if I was greedy,
I love you now more that you'll ever see,

I'll never forget my letter, T.

Johnny Cash

Johnny Cash. A great inspiration to many people. Fantastic at what he did. He is one of my favorites. Here is Johnny Cash everyone:

"I keep a close watch on this heart of mine.
I keep my eyes wide open all the time.
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds.
Because you're mine, I walk the line.

I find it very, very easy to be true.
I find myself alone when each day is through.
Yes, I'll admit I'm a fool for you.
Because you're mine, I walk the line.

As sure as night is dark and day is light.
I keep you on my mind both day and night.
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line.

You've got a way to keep me on your side.
You give me cause for love that I can't hide.
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide.
Because you're mine, I walk the line."

Gotta love that Johnny Cash everyone.

File Cabinets...

I am flooded. My thoughts are drowning me and consuming me whole. Have you ever had your mind so set on something, and when it even remotely has the possibility of being removed from your life, you can't get your mind off of it? I'm not talking about something small like winning an award or crap like that, I'm talking about loosing something that is so dear to you, so fragile that if lost, may never return to you again. Well that's what is happening to me. I'm still up at 12:22 AM and I'm still thinking about the same thing! I can't fall asleep because it bugs me so much. My future and the future of this situation is at steak. I sometimes don't feel as though I have any control over my life because if I did, things would work out differently. I think that I have no say in this matter at all. And God is doing this for some weird reason that I won't understand for years to come....it's hard....to let this go....to stop thinking and desiring more than what I have in this situation. I need to think about the opposite side of the situation rather than my own, and I have been trying to do that, but it doesn't work out...maybe I'm just too stubborn to see what really needs to be done....I don't know.



Lord, thank you for your grace, thank you for the love that you show. I don't understand Lord. Please give me direction to what needs to be done. Open my eyes to your will and show me the future for this situation. Guide me and protect me in all that I do. Thank you Father. Amen

Ah, Music.

You know what I love? Music. Just taking the long way home listening to some good music with a good beat. I love it. There is nothing like just driving around hearing someone else pour out their soul into a song. I wish I could do that. Pour my soul into a song. I've never been blessed with that talent but I sure can appreciate someones talent other than my own. Music is fantastic. Like Beck and VAST. Good stuff to just chill to.

Two More Poems

I Believe

I was once walking and I heard a Voice
The Voice told me that I had a choice
I pretended that I didn’t hear,
Although I couldn’t turn my ear.
The Voice followed me down the path,
Until I stopped to turn and laugh.
I turned and said that I couldn’t believe,
Then He said that He wouldn’t leave.
He said “I am the way, the truth, and the light…”
He said it over and over until I screamed with great fright.
I screamed “Who are you so bold to say,”
“How come you didn’t save me today.”
“You say you’re the light but I wouldn’t know,”
“I’m stuck in this darkness until tomorrow.”
The Voice said that there was one way out,
Then I fell on my knees and began to shout.
There was only one way to see the light,
But I was so stubborn that I turned to fight.
“Where have you been all of these years?”
“Through all the hard times and all the tears?”
The Voice said “I was always there”
“I was always here and everywhere”
“Through all your pain and hardships too”
“I was always there to see you through.”
“You just didn’t know me at the time”
“And now all you have to do is climb.”
“Climb to the highest of heights you see,”
“Climb up until you meet me.”
I pondered until I knew the way,
And then I found that I couldn’t stay.
I started climbing up to the top,
I went so high I thought I would drop.
Once I got there it couldn’t be
That I was in Heaven with the One and Only.
He said “Come to me son, and don’t ever leave,”
“For you are here because you believe,”
“I love you more than you’ll ever know,”
“I’ll always love you today and tomorrow,”
“You are forgiven for all you’ve done,”
“And I am proud to call you my son.”


Beach

The crashing of the blue-bubbling waves roll over my feet,
The sound of the water is soothing to my mind,
I see the setting sun on the horizon making a blood-dimmed tide,
The warm soft sand forms to my back as I sit in its loving warmth,
And the soft breeze is blowing over me to cool me from the sun’s rays.

My life is all but a dream,
And all is as it should seem,
The loving of the blood-dimmed tide
Is sure to cool my side.
The warmth that I feel from the sun,
Is angles having fun.
The roaring of the waves,
Is the sound of the dead in their graves.
Their rising from ground,
Is that very sound,
I hear when the waves pound down.

Love

What is love really? Well let me just take this moment to say yes, I am a guy and I am about to Blog about love. Creepy maybe, but I am in love so it’s relevant and I have an excuse. Love is something that makes people do irrational and rational things. It drives people crazy and places them in that new “sensation” or thrill or exhilaration. Love really is whatever you want to make of it. People show love through many different ways such as: spending time with someone, talking, gifts, good deeds etc. I love my girlfriend, she and I have been together for (this may sound creepy but I’m taking the time to do this anyway. lol) 1 year, 8 days, 20 hours, and 52 minutes, and I strongly believe that God has shown me what it is like to love through her. Taylor has been such a blessing, and I wouldn’t trade anything for any of the days I have spent with her. The funny this is Taylor and I are different personalities. I don’t talk much and she does. (That’s the big one.) But I love her so much! I really do. Anyway what I’m trying to say is love is a very powerful emotion, Webster defines love as a strong feeling of attraction resulting from sexual desire; enthusiasm or fondness. But to me love is not just a feeling, but it is the way that you treat that special someone that you care for. Treating them so kindly so they'll know you care and love them. Love is how you make another person feel when you are in their presence. Love is the laughter that you share, the time you spend, and the relationship that you build with that special someone; it’s that silly bubbly feeling you get inside the pit of your stomach when you see that special someone. It’s putting aside your pride, your own desires, your own agenda, and caring for that person more than yourself. It’s (this may sound morbid) when you would take a bullet, or do anything for that person so that if their life was in danger, you would lay down yours for theirs. (this sounds like a guy’s opinion of love). I am in love. I’m really not nervous to express that. Taylor knows it. My friends know it. My family knows it. Her family knows it. Love is something that you are not to be ashamed of. It is that bond that, if it’s a true bond, can never be broken.

“If you love someone you would be willing to give up everything for them, but if they loved you back they’d never ask you to.”

Future?

It's unbelievable how each year, since the beginning of high school, my perfectly laid plans for myself have unavoidably deteriorated. When I entered my freshman year, I had aspirations of being a Navy Pilot (something that I have always wanted) then came the whole doctor phase. Now, here I am my senior year in high school without any idea of what I want to do. Now seems to be the time where I am to start taking life seriously and making responsible, educated choices. Now I come to a crossroad in my life where I choose what to do with my future, choose what will make me happy. My plans for the future is having a great job with a loving wife and kids who are willing to support me in my good and bad times. But now I realize that there are so many other steps I need to take in order to achieve these so-called "goals." This includes graduating from high school and college, finding that wife I plan to marry, and finding that perfect job. I have begun to realize that I have yet to begin my life; everything up until now has been practice, as if I have been in a cage and it is only now that I am beginning to break free and do things for myself. I want to be satisfied with my decisions, to be able to accept and forgive, and most of all to be able to live up to the expectations I have for myself. The future is an exciting but somewhat scary concept to grasp, but we all must try to grasp it at some point.

On an even more personal level, family life is becoming well....hecktic....parents are arguing, brother is...being a brother, and again that whole future thing is closing in with each passing second. I'm struggling with the decisions I have to make and the responsibilities that I have to juggle as well. My girlfriend is thinking about going to college in Texas...I am in full support for whatever decision she decides to make...but it's not going to be easy for us...she and I have a close and I mean close bond and it will be hard for us to be apart for so long; but that's one of those situations that she and I are going to have to put into God's hands. But I will miss her like crazy! I'm still waiting to hear back from some of my colleges myself. NC State sends me their letter of rejection or acceptance on Friday, and it being my college of choice at the moment is very nerve-racking. So that's pretty much my life at the moment, trying to handle the future with school, the woman I love, my career path, and my family. It's a pretty crazy life. But it's one that I live.

-Jbell

1 of 6 Billion

I’ve thought a ton about my contribution to the world lately, and I’ve come up with the inevitable conclusion that I’m not going to make a huge difference in this world. I have finally come to the realization that I am just 1 of 6 billion and that I am not here to start a revolution or carry on a crusade or to even hold a title that comes with a bunch of responsibility. I am just one man from Asheville, North Carolina who is here to try and spread the word of his good Lord to the world. I am not going to be that one man who leads, or carries on some huge revival. I am one man. One young man trying to work his 9 to 5 work shift in this infinite world. I am just one speck on the time-line of reality and I have no business dreaming about goals that are unreachable. I was at one point in time labeled a “romantic” because that was all I lived by, dreams. If I dreamed it would happen then God would make it happen. I had huge goals and high standards that I now realize are unreachable. My head was in the clouds and that’s all I did was dream. My role as a human being is to exist only to spread the word of God. My dreams and my passions won’t be achieved, only God’s plan for me can be achieved. I have to let go of the reigns and let God take complete control of my life. I don’t have a great contribution to offer to this world, no real overwhelming talents or outstanding smarts. I’m just me. Little old me. The speck. The 1 of 6 billion. And I have to let God decide what he wants me to do and I cannot determine my own path and go my own rout, I must follow after his as he presents it.

-Jbell

Reliquished!

I AM DONE!!!

So I've been working ever so vigorously on my senior project. And now it's done! To be honest I really didn't mind doing the project as much as just knowing that it was there. I liked my topic a lot so I was able to explain it well when I talked to my panel of judges. I did my paper on the relationship between music and an elementary school students brain, and how when used as a tool music can better improve memory and have many emotional responses as well. Sounds complicated but really it's not. Anyway the whole point of this entry is to let the entire world know that I AM DONE! and I don't have to worry about this stupid paper anymore! (can you tell that I am a little proud?) But honestly the project was not that bad, it was just the thought of doing it that killed me. I hated thinking about doing it, and yet when I did it, it really wasn't that bad. It was actually kind of cool because I loved my topic. So yeah, I'm done. Finished.

The Dark Deep

Throwing curious thoughts off this endless abyss,
Thinking that there is no better time but this,
To scream out loud the feelings out doubt,
These times we move far from we can’t live without.

I feel no more pain nor joy too,
The approaching minute hand brings new thoughts of fear,
My curious colorful cacophony of thoughts in my mind,
Bring the ever so fearful future at hand.

Where do I go with all these captured thoughts?
Do they damn me to hell, or curse me abroad?
Can I touch them? See them? Hold them close?
Or where does it all go in the end of these shows?

The bottom is struck, and the feelings have come,
I’ve earned my keep and my only sum.
The clock is here at my front door,
Asking me for more, more, more.

Ah, the Memories.

Have you ever gone back and looked at old pictures or videos of you and your family? It's kind of creepy really. Today I spent the whole day looking back at old videos of primarily me, and I found some really old ones that my dad filmed before my parents divorced. You know this is really helps my questions about where do memories go. (the entry about time) Looking back at my life when I was a baby, to a toddler, to a pre-teen, to a young adult, really makes me realize how different a boy can change. I mean really, I was one wild, crazy, and LOUD kid! (I was a camera hog too) Now, I still show that crazy side, but at the same time I really don't like to talk a lot. I am one of those people who likes to think about every little thing he is about to say. Is anyone else like that or am I just weird? It's just so fascinating to see what kind of a man God is making me. There are so many memories that I had forgotten that were brought back to me today, and it was refreshing to see all of them. So if you haven't done anything like that in a while I encourage you to do so! Reach out to those old dusty VHS video cassettes that are gathering dust in the corners of your attic! Have some laughs with you and your family! Really it's a good time to see how much you have changed. And I'm sure that you will laugh at yourself many times! I know I did! God Bless

-Jbell