Home Again

So I've arrived back home. As I had stated before, this trip with my dad opened my eyes to new things. I feel that I can actually have my father back. To be honest I feel like a complete idiot for ever thinking of my father that way...God wouldn't do that to me, so why should I do that to him? I'm ashamed and shouldn't have ever even done that. Now that I am home, I have to keep the same feelings towards him here, as I had up there. But let me just ask something really fast here before I go: What is the point of divorce? I mean the only thing it does really, is tear into both the husband and wife, and completely annihilates any relationship with the children to the parent they aren't with. I mean just look at my father and I, I wanted nothing to do with him...God works in strange ways people. He brought my father back to me, in the midst of my own pain and hatred. My eyes were unveiled and I saw my father in a new light. I'm lucky...most children can't say that after their parents get a divorce. But anyway...enough rambling. I'm home. And I arrived back with a new understanding of my father. I love him, and forgive him. Please pray for my continued relationship with my father. God Bless.

Old Poem

The Symphony

Soft slow symphonic sounds of soft color,
Creep into the ever so creaky corners of our minds,
The chord of colorful, wistful, white sound is heard,
Full of vibrant, vigilant lifelike words that cannot be spoken,
The music plays powerful, potent pitches of sound,
That crawl deeply over the newly formed bumps on the skin,
It brings a sense that is unknown to the sensor.
The regulator, moves many melodious notes at one pace,
Then faster and faster! Does he move with the tempo which he creates.
The hollow heart of the symphony is heard. Once; twice, then silence.

Life

"Is human life just a dream, from which we never really awake, as some great thinkers claim? Are we submerged by our feelings, by our loves and hates, by our ideas of good, bad, beautiful, awful? Are we incapable of knowing beyond those ideas and feelings? Do you ever wonder why you are put into situations that you don’t know how to deal with? Would they disappear if you just closed your eyes to the many lights that life produces? Well most cases it doesn’t, the light is shining in your eyes like the sun and you have to deal with it. Sometimes I wonder why I act the way I do, and why I have to deal with situations that aren’t always the most comforting. You think you have something, but you realize that you have nothing on that one piece of life’s puzzle. When you sit down to think in silence about the world revolving around you, you realize that piece is near you. However, it is not close enough to grab with your hand or heart. You want to react with your mind, but your heart seers you in other directions that you weren’t ready for. When you think that you have found that perfect piece to complete the puzzle, you second-guess yourself about it. Is it really the prefect piece that will make the puzzle stronger, or are there other pieces that are better? Your mind runs faster than you can handle and it makes you think about the other pieces in the puzzle. Are the other pieces going to slowly come apart too or are they glued together and stable? You wonder that maybe-other pieces the perfect ones either, which gives you even more questions."

Leaving the Past Behind.

So I've been in Cleveland, Ohio for the past week visiting my Dad and wow, did I need to adjust my attitude towards him...so let me just start with some background...when I was two my parents divorced(nasty thing to do) but ever since then really I've kind of held a secret grudge against my Dad. I just really never took the time to sit down and evaluate my dad and who he really is on the inside...I've just looked back and told myself over and over that he was "the man who abandoned my mom and I." So I just labeled him as that person (which is really a horrible thing to do) but over the past couple of years now my father has tried harder and harder to reach out to me, and I just pushed him away. So for some reason on this trip up, my view just completely changed. For starters...whenever I used to come up here, he would be gone on a business trip...so I would come up to see him, but I really didn't get to see him; this time he was here the whole trip, so that made things better. Secondly, I could tell he was trying really hard to get to know who I really am and what I am about, I could just tell that he really wanted to get to know his son. I never really got that feeling before. This trip has made me realize that I was wrong in pushing my father away...so I guess that you could label this whole story as a reunion between a father and his son. I've just decided to leave the past behind me and forget what he did to my life, because he did hurt me there is now doubt about that....but I'm just going to let it go.

Time. A Universal Measurement of Forgotten Memories.

Time, time, time, time, time, time, time, time….no matter how many times you say it, the word “time” will always be one of those words that we want to be pushed back in the corners of our fragmented and insubstantial minds. But where are we going? What are we doing? What are the plans for the future? These questions are the soliloquy that we play ever so fervently in our minds. But why is time a topic that is so relevant in our daily lives? Can we not just take a break from the decaying moment, the moving hand on the clock converting present into past? The ever so soft and abrupt second that controls our life? No, we can’t. Time controls our lives, we plan for it, and we wait for it. And in reality time is something that we as humans made up to measure the distance it takes to go from doing one thing to the next, but still it doesn’t please us as we had hoped. It moves fast, and it goes slow. It ticks it tocks. But it never will stand still. Have you ever wished that for one moment you could stop time? Just for that one split second have the dominant power over the still-standing present. But why does time come with consequences? We forget things, faces, people, events, places, stories, poems, songs, names…there is no end to time. Will we just keep forgetting? It will always be, and always never be. Time is a made up entity that we have given absolute the power over our lives. “What time is the game?” “How much time will it take to do that?” “We only have so little time.” (This one pisses me off the most.) If time is never ending then why do we have so little of it? Sure we will die someday, but given my religious views, won’t I have the rest of eternity? Even now as I write this I think of the entity of time. It is overpowering our thoughts. I have forgotten some of the fondest memories, greatest people, best faces, stories, songs, poems, names…I have forgotten. The entity of time has wiped away all thoughts. And left me only with…well more time. Now that I am 18 and I look back at my life so far, I only remember distinct memories, and most of them aren’t the best. Why do we forget? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Is it really because our brain ends up placing memories in the back of a make-believe file cabinet in our brains? And after a while we just involentaraly say “Delete.” Where does it all go? I just picture it as this invisible trash can that all the piles and piles of unwanted memories are constantly being tossed away, just like some punk kid would throw away a balled up piece of paper and toss it from one end of the school room to the other. Why can’t we hold on to some of the memories that are so dear? Is the face on the clock moving just to satisfy the local business man? Tick tock, tick tock. The clock struck one. Tick tock, tick tock, the clock struck two. There is no stopping it. We created it to move forth, yet we want it to stop. God does not operate in our time? Why should we? We are placed in this box, and the outer ridges of it made up of cheep grandfather clocks and Wal-Mart wrist watches. Where is the control? Where are the memories? Why are we so obsessed with managing our time? Just to stop time for that split second, and catch a breath from the exhausting, element facing race of life. Would be worth it. So time cannot be controlled, only measured. It cannot control, only measure. It’s a tool that comes with consequences. Memories are lost, and feelings forgotten. But with time, new memories will be made and new feelings, all to be forgotten.

Sudden Urge...

Have you ever gotten the urge to just sit down and write something? I've got that right now and I don't know what I've got on my mind but it's something...It's 12:57 at night and I'm sitting here in Cleveland, Ohio and this time away from my "normal" subsidized life in North Carolina, gives me a chance to reflect on this past year. Well let's see...as of the 23rd I have been dating my lovely girl friend Taylor for one whole year! Yep, I've met this absolutely fantastic girl and I have been with her for one year, this is something to cherish...anyway...I've almost made it through the first half of my senior year in high school, this is very exciting! OH! And I was accepted in to college last week!! That took a major load off of my back...Another major event....hmm....in Mid-November my football team made it to a National Tournament, we ended up loosing in the last 22 seconds of the game though...great way to end a football career huh? You know God has blessed me over the past 365 days, and I really don't have it bad in anyway whatsoever. I am extremely blessed and I'm hoping for another year that is just as challenging as this one was. 2009 here I come!

Some Poems that I wrote over the past month.

Mistake

Thunderous pounding over open land,
Feeling the water pouring down,
Thinking of you this body can only frown
Why can I not pull myself to lend a hand?
I’m ruining us slowly drowning in sinking sand.

The pounding gets harder with each hour,
The water is rushing faster every second,
I cannot begin to express the pain that has becond
This hour of sorrow that has become so sour.
The body is beaten like a dying flower.

Can I not fix what is ours to keep?
Will I not say a word to make you happy?
Can I break this stillness that feels so sappy?
No not I, silence has overcome me I cannot make a peep.
And so I regress; to make you decide what to reap.

I cannot fix what I have done
But time can only repair the damage that has begun.

Broken Love

Senses tight, palms sweating,
Mind sinking, heart bleeding,
I cannot feel the feeling of feelings
I cannot dream and cannot touch these things.
It’s over now, don’t know what to do,
Cannot sleep loosing sense of mind,
Oh, how I dread how I got into this bind.
We chose this path the both of us,
But little did we know, that this would cause stress.
Did we make the right choice?
Can we ever hear each others voice?
Tears are falling, cannot breath,
Watching you go away I cannot leave.
Praying to God to see you again,
I hope so love, until the very end.

Judgement

Turning back faces seen in the past,
I will never remember because it went so fast.
Falling forward can never go back,
This continuous line knocks me off track.
I’m stuck in the whirlpool of selfless oppression,
I find myself falling for an obsession.
“Can I never turn and go away?”
“Will my life come back someday?”
“No,” answers He who knows my name
“Never can you go back the way you came.”
I can not express the guilt I feel,
The judgment that was passed makes me kneel.
I fell so fast and hard you see,
I couldn’t control it, nope, not me.
My sin and shame covered me whole,
Chilling my body, right down to the soul.
I can not tell you how much I regret,
The things I have done to make you forget.
I do not want anymore of the pain inside,
I crave that love that will swallow my pride.
This continuous line knocks me off track,
This thing called time threw me on my back.
I can not remember the faces in the past,
But only remember that time moves fast.
Worry about today for tomorrow may never come,
Because how you live today controls your future sum.

To my Love

Far away so long that cannot be seen
The beauty that prevails hidden in the deep dark corners
Sitting and waiting I lay behind the clear wall before us
Unnoticed by the ones on the other side
The name so precious rolls off of the tongue
Feelings emerge bursting fast flowing emotions
Can I not burst through this wall I see?
Can I not feel the warmth of thee?
But as I wait, I watch the time pass
The feelings I have are nothing but a distant dream
And in my hour of darkness
You rescue me.

You wrap me up in your warm arms
You wash away the devilish feeling of doubt
You bring back the love I once had
For you my love, are the love I have
There is no wall that could hold me back
There is no strength that could break me down
There is only you my love the one I have.