Future?

It's unbelievable how each year, since the beginning of high school, my perfectly laid plans for myself have unavoidably deteriorated. When I entered my freshman year, I had aspirations of being a Navy Pilot (something that I have always wanted) then came the whole doctor phase. Now, here I am my senior year in high school without any idea of what I want to do. Now seems to be the time where I am to start taking life seriously and making responsible, educated choices. Now I come to a crossroad in my life where I choose what to do with my future, choose what will make me happy. My plans for the future is having a great job with a loving wife and kids who are willing to support me in my good and bad times. But now I realize that there are so many other steps I need to take in order to achieve these so-called "goals." This includes graduating from high school and college, finding that wife I plan to marry, and finding that perfect job. I have begun to realize that I have yet to begin my life; everything up until now has been practice, as if I have been in a cage and it is only now that I am beginning to break free and do things for myself. I want to be satisfied with my decisions, to be able to accept and forgive, and most of all to be able to live up to the expectations I have for myself. The future is an exciting but somewhat scary concept to grasp, but we all must try to grasp it at some point.

On an even more personal level, family life is becoming well....hecktic....parents are arguing, brother is...being a brother, and again that whole future thing is closing in with each passing second. I'm struggling with the decisions I have to make and the responsibilities that I have to juggle as well. My girlfriend is thinking about going to college in Texas...I am in full support for whatever decision she decides to make...but it's not going to be easy for us...she and I have a close and I mean close bond and it will be hard for us to be apart for so long; but that's one of those situations that she and I are going to have to put into God's hands. But I will miss her like crazy! I'm still waiting to hear back from some of my colleges myself. NC State sends me their letter of rejection or acceptance on Friday, and it being my college of choice at the moment is very nerve-racking. So that's pretty much my life at the moment, trying to handle the future with school, the woman I love, my career path, and my family. It's a pretty crazy life. But it's one that I live.

-Jbell

1 of 6 Billion

I’ve thought a ton about my contribution to the world lately, and I’ve come up with the inevitable conclusion that I’m not going to make a huge difference in this world. I have finally come to the realization that I am just 1 of 6 billion and that I am not here to start a revolution or carry on a crusade or to even hold a title that comes with a bunch of responsibility. I am just one man from Asheville, North Carolina who is here to try and spread the word of his good Lord to the world. I am not going to be that one man who leads, or carries on some huge revival. I am one man. One young man trying to work his 9 to 5 work shift in this infinite world. I am just one speck on the time-line of reality and I have no business dreaming about goals that are unreachable. I was at one point in time labeled a “romantic” because that was all I lived by, dreams. If I dreamed it would happen then God would make it happen. I had huge goals and high standards that I now realize are unreachable. My head was in the clouds and that’s all I did was dream. My role as a human being is to exist only to spread the word of God. My dreams and my passions won’t be achieved, only God’s plan for me can be achieved. I have to let go of the reigns and let God take complete control of my life. I don’t have a great contribution to offer to this world, no real overwhelming talents or outstanding smarts. I’m just me. Little old me. The speck. The 1 of 6 billion. And I have to let God decide what he wants me to do and I cannot determine my own path and go my own rout, I must follow after his as he presents it.

-Jbell

Reliquished!

I AM DONE!!!

So I've been working ever so vigorously on my senior project. And now it's done! To be honest I really didn't mind doing the project as much as just knowing that it was there. I liked my topic a lot so I was able to explain it well when I talked to my panel of judges. I did my paper on the relationship between music and an elementary school students brain, and how when used as a tool music can better improve memory and have many emotional responses as well. Sounds complicated but really it's not. Anyway the whole point of this entry is to let the entire world know that I AM DONE! and I don't have to worry about this stupid paper anymore! (can you tell that I am a little proud?) But honestly the project was not that bad, it was just the thought of doing it that killed me. I hated thinking about doing it, and yet when I did it, it really wasn't that bad. It was actually kind of cool because I loved my topic. So yeah, I'm done. Finished.

The Dark Deep

Throwing curious thoughts off this endless abyss,
Thinking that there is no better time but this,
To scream out loud the feelings out doubt,
These times we move far from we can’t live without.

I feel no more pain nor joy too,
The approaching minute hand brings new thoughts of fear,
My curious colorful cacophony of thoughts in my mind,
Bring the ever so fearful future at hand.

Where do I go with all these captured thoughts?
Do they damn me to hell, or curse me abroad?
Can I touch them? See them? Hold them close?
Or where does it all go in the end of these shows?

The bottom is struck, and the feelings have come,
I’ve earned my keep and my only sum.
The clock is here at my front door,
Asking me for more, more, more.

Ah, the Memories.

Have you ever gone back and looked at old pictures or videos of you and your family? It's kind of creepy really. Today I spent the whole day looking back at old videos of primarily me, and I found some really old ones that my dad filmed before my parents divorced. You know this is really helps my questions about where do memories go. (the entry about time) Looking back at my life when I was a baby, to a toddler, to a pre-teen, to a young adult, really makes me realize how different a boy can change. I mean really, I was one wild, crazy, and LOUD kid! (I was a camera hog too) Now, I still show that crazy side, but at the same time I really don't like to talk a lot. I am one of those people who likes to think about every little thing he is about to say. Is anyone else like that or am I just weird? It's just so fascinating to see what kind of a man God is making me. There are so many memories that I had forgotten that were brought back to me today, and it was refreshing to see all of them. So if you haven't done anything like that in a while I encourage you to do so! Reach out to those old dusty VHS video cassettes that are gathering dust in the corners of your attic! Have some laughs with you and your family! Really it's a good time to see how much you have changed. And I'm sure that you will laugh at yourself many times! I know I did! God Bless

-Jbell